There is no such thing as “The One.” That is, the one person on this planet who you find physically attractive, is physically attracted to you, and will complete you so completely that they satisfy your every emotional, romantic, and sexual need, and can be your best friend, and is waiting for you and only you.
This is good news.
What? How can this be good news? What about all those romantic comedies and romance novels and princess fairytales? What about Jerry Maguire’s “you complete me” speech or the incredible forbidden passion of Romeo and Juliet? Well, all of those stories are fiction, and both Romeo and Juliet end up dead.
Also, if there was a “one” person out there for you, what if they were born on the other side of the planet and you never met them? Or, what if they got hit by a bus? What if you met and dated “the one,” but then you somehow screwed up the relationship and that meant you could never find true love after that? That would suck.
Giving up the myth of “the One” is good news because then you get to choose the right person for you to be in a long-term relationship with. For better or worse, it’s up to you.
It took me a long time to figure this out; I’m a bit of a romantic, and I bought into the fairytales. There were times when I thought I was in love with girls I barely knew. “What if she’s ‘the one’ for me?”, I’d think. There were times when love led me to overlook giant red flags in women I dated. “So what if she’s mean to all my friends? She might be the one.” And there were times when love led me to ignore situational problems that spelled sure doom for a relationship. “It’s okay that we live in different states and want completely different things from life. Love will overcome!” That’s because love is intoxicating and just like intoxicants, can lead to do and say really dumb shit.
I’m not discounting love, it’s amazing. What I am doing is pointing out mistakes I made while love-drunk and inexperienced in the hope that when you make them too, (because what the hell do I know, right?), you’ll remember what I was talking about. And maybe it’ll help you then.
If “the One” doesn’t exist, then what? Well, there are some people who will be more right for you, and some people who will be less right for you. And the key to a happy marriage or long-term relationship is finding someone who is more right for you, committing to them, and working at it. I’m not talking back-breaking physical labor work at it. If dating feels like working on a chain gang, she’s not right for you no matter how hot she is. But, love and relationships do require some work. Lots of compromise and some work on communication, understanding, and relationships.
How do you find that “more right for you” person? Meet and date lots of people. Figure out what you like and want in a partner. What are you attracted to, what do you not like, and what can you live with and without? Keep in mind, people don’t really change that much. If she’s crazy fun but also crazy argumentative, she’s not going to stop arguing with you just because you marry her. If she’s the more right for you person, you can enjoy the fun, but you also better get used to arguing.
After you figure out what you want in a partner, figure out what you want in life. Not to gloss over this, because some people go their whole lives without figuring out what they want in a partner or what they want in life, but these things factor into finding the right person for you.
For example: Do you want kids? How many? Do you expect your spouse to stay home with them, do you want to stay home with them, or do you think you’ll both work? What kind of career do you want, and what does that mean for your family? What kind of stuff do you like to do for fun, and do you expect your spouse to do it with you? Where do you want to live, and what kind of lifestyle do you want to have? This is an incomplete list that’s up to you to finish.
Once you do, figure out a way to make what you want from life and what you want in a partner fit together. How? Tradeoffs, that’s how. You trade things that are less important for things that are more important. Because no one person is going to be everything you want and agree with everything you want to do.
Your Mom doesn’t like being cold, wet, or dirty, all things that are by-products of whitewater kayaking. I really love kayaking, so we agree that’s an activity I do without her. Having her in my life is more important than having a wife who would go kayaking with me.
Your Mom and I both wanted to have a child, hence you. That’s not something either of us would have traded for something else; a girl who loved kayaking but didn’t want kids would not have been a good match for me.
Unfortunately, it’s always going to be more complicated than that. Part of dating is presenting the best version of yourself to potential partners; and for some people this means being less than truthful about what they really want and who they really are. And truthfully, most of us don’t always know what we really want and who we really are. If you manage to figure out either of those by the time you’re 18, you’ll be ahead of most people by twenty or thirty years.
The key to a happy long-term relationship is using your intellect to temper your emotions and compromising accordingly. Spark and passion and being attracted to someone are awesome. It’ll get you up in the morning and keep you up late at night, but that passion doesn’t care if you and that person are life compatible. It’s hard to tell your heart what to feel and who to feel it for, but there will be times when you’ll need to do just that. Just remember, there’s more than one option out there.
I love you,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.