Moving, like pimping, ain’t easy. Especially moving to new cities and states. While your Dad can’t teach you anything about pimping, I can teach you lots about moving. I’m not talking about how to rent a U-haul, though. I’m talking about making a new place your home, going from lost and a little lonely to feeling comfortable and having a few friends. I grew up in Winston-Salem, and after college I moved to Richmond, then Miami, then Charlotte, then Raleigh, back to Winston-Salem, on to Cincinnati, then Nashville, and most recently back to Cincinnati. Guess I was making up for not leaving my hometown for college. And since I’m betting you’ll end up moving somewhere new sometime, here’s what I learned along the way. I hope it makes your moves easier.
Start by not looking back. Moving somewhere new almost always means leaving the familiar and comfortable behind. Stepping into the unknown is hard, and it can be scary. You’ll be tempted to look back, to wish for the places you know and the faces you recognize. Maybe you want to just visit the place you left on the weekends, and before you know it, six months have passed and you haven’t made one new friend in your new city. Incidentally, continuing to date someone long-distance that you left behind will definitely keep one foot in the place you left. My efforts to make new friends the first time I moved to Cincinnati was the beginning of the end for a long-distance relationship I left behind in North Carolina. I wanted to kayak with my friends and she wanted me to come see her, and you can’t be in two places at once.
So, what should you do first? Set your expectations. In my experience, it takes two to three years to really feel like a new place is home. That’s when you’ll have learned your way around town, figured out some places you like to eat, and hopefully made some friends. Your experiences may vary, according to some of the variables I’m going to list below, but don’t expect to feel right at home after just a few months. Depending on your age, two or three years may feel like forever. Trust me, it’s not.
Different places are more or less welcoming to new arrivals. One of the biggest factors I’ve found is how many other people are moving to the city. In 2020, 82 people a day moved to Nashville for a population of 1.2 million. It was close to that when your Mom and I moved there, so it seemed like everyone was trying to make new friends. By contrast, Cincinnati has a population of 2.2 million and only 25 people a day moved there in 2020. How does that matter? In a city with less new residents, people have known their friends for longer, they grew up together, and their social circles are tighter. They’re not looking for new friends because they already have all the friends they need. I’m not telling you not to move to places that don’t have fast-growing populations, I’m just telling you that it will take a little extra work and time to break in.
Where you choose to live, much like whether or not you wear pants, will drastically affect how easy it is to meet people. You’ll likely end up factoring in your commute to work or school, what you can afford, and what’s available, so do your research and figure out where people of your age and marital status live. Just like the suburbs are tough for a college kid, the coolest neighborhood in town with all the bars and clubs will be tough for a young family. Choose wisely, and according to who you want to hang out with.
Speaking of neighborhoods, go out of your way to meet your neighbors. Introduce yourself, invite them over for drinks, or chat them up in the hallways. Don’t be the nosy one who keeps track of everything, but listen to what they tell you and pay attention. It’s good to know your neighbors, and the more people you know, the more people you’ll know.
If you’ve figured out how long it’ll take to get comfortable and where to live, what then? You’ve got to do some work, that’s what. And that means going out on a limb with some people you don’t really know. Maybe you’ll have the personality that makes this easy, but for your Mom and I, it doesn’t come naturally. We’re both introverts, so hanging out with strangers can be draining. But, if you hang out with a stranger long enough, they don’t seem so strange. Mostly. Besides, it’s worth the effort for the times you do turn a stranger into a friend.
Hanging out with strangers will lead to some strange experiences with some strange people, but as long as you don’t get killed and eaten, you’ll have a good story to tell. For example, one night in Nashville before you were born when your Mom was out of town, I ended up smoking cigars on our front porch with a couple of argumentative swingers I met at a bar up the street. I’m pretty sure they didn’t get what they were looking for, but at least they enjoyed some nice bourbon and cigars before being disappointed.
If you’re moving for school or a new job, you’ll have the opportunity to make some friends in those circles. Or at least, to start there. Don’t like ‘em? Don’t care. Your co-workers and classmates might all seem like nerds, but they could have some cool friends. And also, maybe you’re a nerd and you fit right in. Either way, it’s easier to make new friends when you have friends in common. Don’t discount the benefit of being vouched for, and don’t turn your nose up at someone you don’t know yet.
Use the things you like to do as another starting point. Play sports? Find co-ed adult recreational leagues. The co-ed part keeps the fighting down and makes them more social. Like books? Join a book club. It’s like reading, but with other people. Into yoga? Find a good studio. This is how your Mom and I both made some great friends. I met all the guys from Cincinnati that I paddle with after going to one paddling group swap meet. I met two people there, who introduced me to their friends, and so and so on. Your Mom’s closest friends in Nashville came from her yoga studio. Shared activities are a good commonality for friendships, and even if you don’t make any friends, you’ll be doing something you like.
Go explore your new city, and don’t be afraid to do it alone. In fact, when you don’t know anybody in a new place, don’t be afraid to do everything alone. Go out to eat by yourself and grab a seat at the bar. You’ll almost always have a bartender and a few other bar patrons to talk to. Venture out in public to festivals and parks; you never know who you’ll bump into. Also, it’s really hard for serendipity to work its magic when you’re on your sofa. The more things you do, the better off you’ll be.
If you want to get to know a place, you have to see it, to experience it. That’s how the unfamiliar becomes familiar. Before you know it, a couple years will pass and you’ll find yourself welcoming someone new to your city. Just remember how it felt when you were in their shoes.
Finally, if you end up like your Mom and me, you’ll get to repeat this cycle several times. This might seem extra scary, but with practice, it gets easier. Once you know what to do and how to do it, it becomes part of the rhythm of relocating. I’m not saying it’s something you’ll look forward to, but you learn how to do it efficiently. Now, get out there and explore.
I love you,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.