In the face of loss and misfortune, it’s easy to be jaded, to become cynical. In a word; don’t. Cynicism is the armor of the weak-hearted, too afraid to believe or stand or reach for anything. I hope you have the strength to hope, to dream, and to trust. Yes, your hopes won’t always come true, you will fall short of some goals, and people will abuse your trust. But, you might get to live your dreams. Some people you choose to trust will prove themselves worthy of that leap, and every now and then, you’ll get more than you ever hoped for. And on those days where life can’t get any better, when the sun shines warm on your face and you get to kiss your beautiful wife, drink a cold beer, and watch your son play in the sand, I hope you don’t feel the cynical jab of “I was right and they were wrong.” Instead, I want you to feel the pure unadulterated joy that those sanguine moments in life can bring.
I have two quotes about cynicism to share with you, and the first is from Norm Macdonald, who died this week at 61. He said, “At times, the joy that life attacks me with is unbearable and leads to gasping hysterical laughter. I find myself completely out of control and wonder how could life could surprise me again and again and again, so completely. How could a man be a cynic? It is a sin.”
The cynicism Macdonald references is the pessimism that some people wrap around themselves as protection. They fear the worst, so they expect the worst, and are not surprised when the worst happens. “See? I told you so,” they say. Which is like hearing someone’s running around punching people in the nuts and deciding to uppercut your own sack so the nut puncher can’t get you. It’s choosing unhappiness, and it’s dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. It also hurts.
I met someone like this the summer I interned in Hollywood. Bright-eyed and full of big dreams, I’d gone out to L.A. for the summer to work on a movie set. I didn’t care that I was an unpaid intern on a straight to video Olsen twins movie. It was a real movie set and I was beyond thrilled to be there. This fella worked in the production accounting department and had worked in Hollywood for years. I was helping him in the office one day when he took the opportunity to go on a tirade about all the snakes and weasels in the industry. He warned me not to trust anyone, that everyone would screw me over, and that I’d be better off doing almost anything else.
It shook me; I’d never worked on an actual film set before, didn’t have anyone in the industry to talk to about it, and didn’t know what to think. Looking back, I see a jaded cynic scaring the shit out of a hopeful kid. Yes, some people who work in the entertainment industry suck. But some people who work in every industry suck. Twenty five years later, I’ve seen my friends succeed in that very same industry that cynic warned me about. I’ve seen them direct and produce, create and write shows, and travel the world, and cheering on their wins has been awesome. I’m proud for them and hopeful that they continue to kick ass and create awesome shit.
See, the flip side of cynicism is optimism, it’s belief, and it’s hope. It’s being willing to just go make a movie. It’s taking risks and trying to get other people to buy into your idea. It’s looking for the best in every situation and in every person. And when you dream big and think you can, sometimes you do.
Conan O’Brien was a comic and writer who worked and worked and worked, and climbed his way up the comedy ladder to become the host of the Tonight Show in 2009. And then Jay Leno and NBC screwed him out of that job and Jay took it back. O’Brien had a job he’d worked for years to get, and someone took it away. He had every right to be cynical, to be angry, to be pessimistic. But instead, here’s what he said on his last episode of The Tonight Show:
“To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I’ll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism — it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But, if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. As proof, let’s make an amazing thing happen right now.”
Do you hear the hope and the optimism in that quote? That’s what I want you to feel, because that feeling can move you forward, it can help you succeed beyond your wildest dreams.
Here’s how you avoid becoming a cynic. Find something you love and do well and work really hard at it. It’s easy to be cynical, to doubt yourself and your ambitions, so you have to work hard to overcome that tendency. Believe in yourself and your dreams, and don’t be afraid to fail. And if you fail, get up and try again.
While you’re working really hard and being optimistic, be kind. To yourself, to your friends, to everyone. Because kindness, the quality of being friendly and generous, trying to help other people and considering their feelings? I won’t promise it will destroy all the cynicism in the world, but it will stop it from taking root in your heart.
In Never Delay Gratitude, I wrote about the incredible power of that emotion, and I’ll echo that message here. Feeling cynical? Try gratitude. Feel it for the breath in your lungs, for the sun in the sky, and for the love your mother and I feel for you.
If that doesn’t work, here are ten things I’m grateful for, my own personal recipe for rinsing cynicism out of your mind.
1. Club Sandwiches: Possibly one of the greatest foods ever created. Crispy bacon, chilled sliced ham and turkey, yellow cheddar, crisp lettuce, ripe tomato, mayo on warm toasted bread, all cut into four perfect triangles and held together with toothpicks. Hell yeah.
2. Your Mom: One of the kindest, sweetest, smartest humans I’ve ever met, she’s beautiful and wonderful and somedays I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have her in my life.
3. A cold beer after a hot day kayaking: When it’s 90 degrees and you’ve been paddling hard all day, and you get off the water so thirsty you’d drink the warm river water sloshing around in your boat, there’s nothing like popping an ice-cold American Pale Ale you get to drink out of a can and not your shoe because you didn’t swim today.
4. Sunrises: They’re fucking beautiful, and usually you get to enjoy them without the crowds that show up for sunsets.
5. Having a child: It’s magic. It just is.
6. Sideboob: Speaking of magic, there’s nothing like the rush of catching a glimpse of the side of a woman’s breast through a tank top or evening gown.
7. Walk-off wins: Your team is losing, it’s the last inning, or the last down, or the shot clock is running out. And with one shot, one swing, or one long run, you somehow pull victory out of your collective asses. It’s the best.
8. Appalachian Spring by Aaron Copland: Particularly part 2. In my opinion, one of the most glorious pieces of music ever created.
9. Hugs: Appropriate for reunions, grief, joy, hello, goodbye, and most importantly, love.
10. Dogs: Most days we don’t deserve them; they’re just too good.
I love you,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.