The late Skip Prosser once said, “Never delay gratitude.” Prosser was the Wake Forest men’s basketball coach who died in 2007 from a heart attack. He was 56. Prosser said a lot of quotable things, including (when speaking of 6’11” Kyle Visser’s difficulty finishing under the basket after a game,) “I’ve never been 6’11”, but if I was, I think I would dunk it.” And while his thoughts on gratitude aren’t the funniest or even quippiest thing he ever said, they’ve always stayed with me.
I got to meet Skip a couple times. The first was at a dinner for your Papa when he filled in for the scheduled speaker, Dave Odom. Prosser had just been hired to replace Odom, and spoke about a man he’d just met (your Papa) in such warm and glowing tones, you’d have thought they’d known each other for years. The second time we met was at a bar in Winston-Salem where he’d taken his assistants out for a drink after practice. I was 24 or so, was out looking for shenanigans, and approached him and asked if I could buy him a shot. He declined, but with such kindness that I was left feeling like he genuinely appreciated my offer.
The first thing that hits me when I read this quote is the strength of the statement. “Never” lands so much harder than “don’t.” Why use such a strong word? For me, that’s the magic of the thought. Never delay because you don’t know when you’ll have another chance to express that gratitude. You might forget about it and leave it unsaid, you might not see the person you meant to thank for a long time, or worst of all, one of you might drop dead from a heart attack in the middle of the day. You never know, and tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us.
I was at work when I heard about Skip’s death, and I remember being absolutely floored. He was so young and it was so sudden. And the immediacy of that “never” in “never delay gratitude” speaks to that. Life is temporary. There’s no warning bell the last time you see someone, and people will enter and exit your orbit without warning. Don’t assume you can thank someone the next time you see them; there might not be a next time.
But why? Why make such a big deal of gratitude and expressing it when appropriate? What even is gratitude? A dictionary would tell you it’s “the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful.” That’s a good start. Robert C. Roberts, a moral psychologist, wrote that “gratitude is not goods delivered in response to payment. It is a response to a gift … Gratitude, as a response to a gift, is also a form of generosity, of graciously crediting the other for something that was not strictly owed.”
It is an acknowledgment of something received.
You don’t owe anyone gratitude, which is why the expression of gratitude is so powerful. And until you’re out on your own, your mother and I will encourage you to express it when appropriate by insisting you say “thank you” when you should. It’s good practice, but more importantly, helps you create the mental pathway from receiving something, (owed or not), and feeling gratitude for that.
See, before I sat down to write this, I always interpreted Prosser’s instruction as an encouragement to express your gratitude without delay. But as I’ve read about and contemplated the nature of gratitude, I see it in another light. And while his instructive implied the expression of gratitude, it could reasonably be interpreted as an instruction to experience gratitude when and wherever appropriate. And that is a gift that keeps on giving; there are a host of neurological benefits that accompany the expression and experience of gratitude, including overall well-being, happiness, and improved physical and mental health.
Specifically, Melinda Beck wrote in “Thank you, No, Thank you” that “…adults who feel grateful have more energy, more optimism, more social connections and more happiness than those who do not, according to studies conducted over the past decade. They’re also less likely to be depressed, envious, greedy or alcoholics. They earn more money, sleep more soundly, exercise more regularly and have greater resistance to viral infections.
Now, researchers are finding that gratitude brings similar benefits in children and adolescents. Kids who feel and act grateful tend to be less materialistic, get better grades, set higher goals, complain of fewer headaches and stomach aches and feel more satisfied with their friends, families and schools than those who don't, studies show.”
I’ve come to believe that there’s something more to Coach Prosser’s instruction than I’d previously realized. Once again, I’ve set out to instruct you in the best way to live your life and ended up learning something myself.
I do have a caveat. Be careful that your expression of gratitude is sincere and more importantly, appropriate. Gratitude can be a lever, used to create a feeling of indebtedness or obligation. “Reciprocation tendency is the automatic tendency for humans to try to reciprocate in kind what others have done for us.” That’s not to say I think you’ll be going around abusively expressing your gratitude, breaking into people’s houses and leaving them presents like an evil Santa Claus. Rather, it can be easy to overwhelm someone with an abundance of gratitude.
And that’s the insight I’m going to sprinkle onto this mixture of memories and psychology. When you express your gratitude, do it appropriately. And when I say “appropriately,” I’m not talking about not including dick pics with a thank you text or swearing in your thank you notes. I’m talking about matching your gratitude to what you actually received.
If someone buys you a beer, paying their rent for the month is inappropriate. Getting them a beer when you get the next round is totally fine. And if you do go over the top in your expression of gratitude, don’t be surprised if the recipient doesn’t know how to react.
Gratitude has more power than I realized, both as an experienced emotion and an expressed sentiment. And knowing that makes Coach Prosser’s thought even more powerful. Whether you’re thanking someone for a gift received or appreciating some aspect of your life, “Never delay gratitude.”
I love you and am grateful you are my son,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.