Sometimes, people you care about are going to think and say things you really, really disagree with. Whether it’s your friends, me or your Mom, or other extended family members, as you form your own opinions, you’ll find other people have formed completely different opinions. For the sake of this one, we’re going to assume you don’t create an echo chamber of people who only agree with you and reinforce the things you already believe. Mostly because even in that scenario, you’ll still be related to someone who’s going to contradict that echo chamber. We’ve all got at least one relative who would disagree with gravity for the sake of spicing up Thanksgiving dinner.
And to be clear, I’m not talking about disagreements on whether or not pineapple belongs on pizzas or if you can have anal sex and still be a virgin. I’m talking about disagreements about deeply-held beliefs like religion, politics, society, and the universe. And while some people have deeply-held beliefs about pizza and butt stuff, those are for someone else’s blog.
Like many of the topics I’ve covered, this won’t be easy, and actually will be significantly harder than I’ll make it out to be. I realize this, mostly because it’s not easy for me. I see eye to eye on some of this stuff with some of the people in my life, but I also have family and friends who don’t vote, pray, or believe the same way I do. I still love them, even when we disagree, and I hope they still love me. And I do my best to live what I’m teaching here, but like everything else I’m teaching you, sometimes I suck at it. But I’m trying. I hope you see the value in making the same effort.
First, be kind. For expediency’s sake, let’s make up a theoretical uncle and call him Bob. And this isn’t a thinly veiled reference to any actual uncles or someone named Bob. He’s just a proxy for anyone, be they friend, or family, or co-worker that you disagree with.
If you disagree with Bob, and you really care about your relationship, remember that. Yes, Uncle Bob might have just said something you find completely disgusting, offensive, or ridiculous. It is possible to care about and love someone you disagree with. It’s also possible that Bob’s belief and opinion becomes so difficult to overlook that you decide you don’t want to be friends with him or spend time with him anymore. Either way, temper your frustration by remembering the positive parts of that relationship and the common ground you share.
If you do decide that Bob’s insistence on a man’s right to kick a puppy or his denial of North Dakota’s statehood is so insane you want to end your relationship, be aware that’s why you’re doing it. If Bob asks, tell him what’s up. He might not have realized you cared so much about puppies and North Dakota. But whether or not you go out of your way to share that information should be a reflection of how close you really are to Uncle Bob.
Next up, understand the situation. If Bob shouts something you disagree with onto whatever the equivalent of social media is in 16 years, do you really need to disagree with him there? Was his expression of that opinion intended as an entre into a conversation, or was he simply looking for affirmation? You can’t argue with everyone all the time, and sometimes you just have to let shit go. I understand the burning need to be right, especially when you’re passionate about an issue, but before you jump in and disagree with someone’s opinion, ask yourself if it’s the right time and place to do so. If it’s not the right time and place and you really want to discuss it, find a time and place where you can have that conversation.
If you get to that conversation, do your best to make sure you’re both working from the same assumptions and information. What you believe to be fact might be bullshit to someone else, and vice versa. And if you can’t align and agree on the basics, it makes discussing conclusions a bit like drag racing with your eyes closed. It may be loud and exciting, but you’ll never end up at the same finish line and what’s the point of the whole exercise anyway?
And while you may be able to discuss and share assumptions and information, everyone has their own unique set of experiences, knowledge, and biases. Each of those affect the way we think, believe, and interpret information. Don’t forget that, and don’t underestimate its importance.
Our lives shape the way we see each other, the world, and even ourselves. And like I said in Try not to be a Dick, there’s value in considering the other person’s perspective. Remember that when you disagree.
Assuming you’re in a conversation and you’re working from the same basic facts, ask Bob to consider this question: “What could I say that would change your mind?” And then, ask yourself the same question. What could Uncle Bob say that would change your mind? And if either of you is unwilling or unable to change their minds, ask yourself why you’re having the conversation.
One of my friends on the other side of the proverbial aisle once said about politics, “I’m not going to change your mind and you’re not going to change mine, so what’s the point in arguing about it?” I’ve been mulling that question over for months, and I’ve come up with a different answer than I gave him at the time.
That answer is an appeal to an open mind. I hope you keep an open mind, and are willing to take new information and apply it to your current assumptions and beliefs. I hope you encourage that same open-minded behavior and system of beliefs in others, because certainty is the enemy of discovery. Be willing to ask “why,” and “what if,” and most importantly, “what if I’m wrong?”
Experience is the best teacher, and as you experience the world, it will teach you more than you imagine.
But.
Experience can’t teach you anything if you’ve closed your mind to new information. Stay open-minded and be willing to test your beliefs and assumptions. Learn, grow, and give others the grace to do the same. It’s a great big amazing universe we live in, there are more than seven billion unique perspectives on that universe walking around this planet today. Be willing to learn from each of them.
I love you,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.