“Don’t meet your heroes,” goes the old saying. Why? Because there’s a good chance you’ll be disappointed, that’s why. And what then? What if they’re not as great as you thought they were? Will they still be your heroes? The sad truth is, you don’t have to actually meet your heroes to be disappointed. I’ve never met a rapist comedian, a doping cyclist, or a legendary football coach who covered up the sexual abuse of young boys. And yet I’ve been disappointed by all three.
Should you have no heroes? Seems awfully cynical. Especially since some people do mind-blowing shit that’s completely awesome, if not inspiring. Seeking role models and heroes is a part of growing up and a part of being human. Instead, I say go right ahead and meet your heroes, warts and all. Just be prepared for them to be human, to fail, and for them to not meet all your expectations. Because humans are messy, flawed creatures who all make mistakes.
Here’s a better adage about heroes. “Be careful who your heroes are, and why. Adjust your expectations accordingly.” You might admire your pastor because of their moral leadership, empathy, and virtuous lifestyle. Would you also expect they’d be able to rain threes and dunk a basketball? I hope not, because that’s a good way to get your pick-up team crushed at the Y. Conversely, if you admire someone because of what they can do on the basketball court, maybe don’t make assumptions about their moral leadership and virtuous lifestyle. The truth is, until you know a person, you don’t really know them. And that goes for celebrities, professional athletes, and even the kid down the street.
The difference with celebrities, musicians, and professional athletes is that we think we know them. We can read their bios, watch their interviews, see them in commercials, and cruise their socials. We buy into their public persona. We see who they are on the court, field, or pitch and then believe this is who they are all the time. And then, when they come up short of our expectations, we feel like they’ve failed us. You could argue that it’s unfair to them, but I’d argue that it’s unfair to you.
You’ve set yourself up to be disappointed by assuming your hero is a good person. Or, flipping it around, you might assume someone is a complete douchebag because they showboat in the end zone, yell at reporters, or stomped on another player’s chest in the NCAA basketball tournament. While I’m not condoning any of those actions, they’re not always indicative of of who these people really are. It’s possible that your hero hits his kids and cheats on his wife while the person you hate gives back to his community and takes care of his Mama. I’m not saying it’s true, just that it’s possible. My point is that until you know, you don’t.
That’s not to say people with exceptional skills don’t deserve respect and admiration for those skills. Just don’t assume that their exceptional skills make them exceptional people, and don’t shit your pants if they end up just being regular-ass imperfect humans like the rest of us.
My point is to be careful who you idolize, who you look up to, and why. When you don’t see the entire person, it’s easy to fill in the blanks with answers that make you comfortable, that fit the narrative you want to believe. If you can realize this about your heroes, you can realize it’s also true for everyone else around you. The people you fall in love with, your friends, and especially the people who raise you. None of them are perfect.
The key to accepting and understanding this imperfection comes in how you measure a person’s failures and how you reconcile those failures with your image of that person.
Take me and your Mom, for example. We’re going to make mistakes. We’ll lose our tempers, fail at parenting, and let you down. As much as it pains me to write that, I know it’s true. I don’t want it to be true, and we’re both going to try our damndest to make it not true, but it will happen. What then?
Since this is advice, I’ll tell you what then. You set expectations for how people handle their mistakes if they want to stay in your life. And since we want to stay in your life more than pretty much anything on this earth, this is what you can expect from us.
Step one - demand accountability. Expect the imperfect friends, family, and parents in your life to be accountable for their mistakes, to own their messes. And while owning it doesn’t clean it up and make it right, it’s the first step. So, when someone screws up, expect them to admit it.
After accountability comes step two, which should be an apology. If you want to get picky, step one and two could happen together, as good apologies include accountability.
Side note: Some apologies don’t include accountability, like “I’m sorry you were offended when I sent you a picture of my testicles,” or “I regret that mistakes were made when your dog was run over.” These are bullshit apologies that dodge accountability. Call that shit out for what it is; narisisstic garbage.
Step three should be making it right, either cleaning up a mess, correcting a mistake and/or taking steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again. And as the person who was wronged, it’s up to you to say when there’s been enough of steps one, two and three.
Step four is on you, and that’s forgiveness. Don’t rush this one. You need to feel your feelings, express and let go of your hurt. But, don’t be a dick about it. If the offending party has owned their mistake, apologized, and made an honest effort to make it right, and you’re still not ready to forgive them, you’d better have a good reason. Those reasons exist, just make sure you understand why you’re holding onto that resentment.
Back to the heroes we weren’t supposed to meet. You can apply these four steps to their failures, and expect the same accountability, apology and actions to make it right. And while Pacman Jones might not call your cell phone after he gets in another bar fight, you can look for their public statements and actions to judge whether or not they deserve your forgiveness.
Whether they do or they don’t, I’d suggest you not become too invested in people you don’t actually know. Easier said than done, I know. And I’m as guilty as anyone else; I want to believe in the athletes I cheer for and the comedians and writers who inspire me. It’s okay to be disappointed when they fall, but don’t let it crush you.
It’s hard to remember that despite what we see on a screen, read online, or hear in a podcast, many of the people we call our heroes aren’t the people we think they are. It’s harder to remember that none of them are perfect, but it’s worth reminding yourself that neither are you. So, if your hero forgot to brush their metaphorical teeth the day you get their autograph, cut them a little slack. Maybe even pass them a mint. Because as far as I know, most of us roll out of bed with some stank on our breath.
I love you,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.