If you remember nothing else from this entry on how to greet people, remember this quote from Mr. Miyagi, the fictional karate master of "The Karate Kid."
“Look eye, always look eye.”
And whether or not you know who Mr. Miyagi or Daniel-san are, that’s lesson one. When you meet someone, look eye. Always look eye. It projects confidence, gives you an initial read on this new person, and gives them your full undivided attention, even if just for a few seconds.
Giving someone your full, undivided attention demonstrates that you respect them and shows good manners. And until they prove otherwise, everyone you meet deserves your respect and best manners. Everyone. It doesn’t matter what they do, who they are, or how they’re dressed. Treat everyone you meet the exact same: with respect and your best manners.
Eventually, this will benefit you, as people will assume positive things about your character and kindness, but that’s not why you do it. Do it because it’s the right, and good, and kind thing to do. Consider whatever benefits this earns like a good person rewards club, except without a stupid barcode you have to put on your keychain. I’m doubling up on the dated references today, not sure if they’ll have barcodes, keychains, or Netflix when you’re an adult. Google it. If there’s still a Google.
Anyway, in a day and age (today) where everyone’s attention is fragmented by their phone, their smartwatch, and whatever social media site beckons, your undivided attention is a gift. And we all have the same amount of attention to give.
Everyone gets 24 hours a day, to use as they will. No more and no less. Your time and attention are a finite resource; once it’s gone, you can’t get it back. You can’t buy, make, or borrow more. That also means that everyone else’s time and attention are as valuable as yours. Respect other people’s time and demand they respect yours.
By the time you’re an adult, I’d guess this gift will only become more rare and precious, like a pitcher throwing a perfect game, or peace and quiet in a house with children. I have no idea what else will be dividing your attention; digital implants feeding you a constant stream of information seem as likely as a swarm of miniature drones flying around your head. And however ridiculous my predictions look with the benefit of hindsight, you’ll still be able to give someone the gift of your undivided attention by setting these fancy-ass technologies aside. Make that part of your routine when meeting new people.
Lesson two: Technically, this should be lesson zero, as this action starts before lesson one, but I wanted to start with Mr. Miyagi. Before you get to “look eye,” stand up. This is another sign of respect. It also puts you on the same level as the person you’re greeting, so you don’t have to look up to them and they don’t have to look down on you. Examples: You’re sitting at a table at a restaurant and someone comes over to say hello. Stand up to greet them. You’re sitting on a sofa at a party and someone approaches. Stand up to greet them. You’re anywhere not already standing up... and I’m pretty sure you get it by now.
So, you’re standing up and looking eye. Normally, this is where you’d shake hands.
Normally.
Currently, we’re in the middle of a pandemic. And in this pandemic, shaking hands and hugging are about as popular as asking people to “pull my finger.” We bump elbows, fists, or just wave at each other from a distance. Most of us, that is.
Some of us are still shaking hands. Some of us are also refusing masks, avoiding vaccinations, and calling science fake. Side note: if there’s a pandemic in your lifetime, expect a significant portion of the population to not believe in it and willfully infect themselves and others. I don’t know why. Some people suck. Anyway, if people are shaking hands again when you’re an adult, here’s how you do it.
Extend an open hand to the other person and push the webbing between your thumb and pointer finger into the same part of their hand. Squeeze with a firm but not vice-like grip. Up and down once or twice, say your name, then let go.
For some people, the handshake is a power game, a chance to make you look weak or demonstrate their grip strength. They’ll turn their hand so theirs is above yours, or grab your fingers before you can get your hand in and try to grind your knuckles into chalk. They might pump your arm like an Amish man churning butter who just found out his wife is zipper-curious. They might try to yank you off balance. These people are dicks. Avoid them when possible.
I’m not saying the handshake is an end-all measurement of personal character, and I’m sure there are good people who shake hands like assholes. But shaking hands like that is a bit like sticking your finger in someone’s eye as you say hello; it’s a shitty way to start a relationship.
In more casual settings, you might find yourself slapping hands, fist bumping, or doing some combination of handshake and one-armed hug (a.k.a. the bro-hug.) All fine. Also fine to hug people if that’s your thing. Be aware though, that hugging is not some people’s thing, and don’t assume it’s okay to invade their personal space without asking. I learned this one the hard way after I was stiff-armed while attempting to hug a distant family member. Lesson learned. You could open your arms and say, “hug?” It gives people who don’t like to be or aren’t comfortable being touched an out.
And while any of the greetings I just listed are fine in casual settings, you should know how to formally greet a stranger, (and take the first steps to making them a friend.)
Why?
You don’t bro-hug to start a job interview. First time meeting your girlfriend’s parents? Slap them five up-high, down-low, and too slow and she might not be your girlfriend much longer. And if you ever need to meet with foreign dignitaries at a formal state dinner, you should really have a good handshake.
While much of this advice is applicable in many cultures, some of it is very specific to the American culture where I grew up. If you end up in another part of the world, adapt and adjust. Don’t be so rigid about greeting others in the ways that feel familiar that you overshadow the intention of those greetings. Bows, forehead touching, and air kisses are all valid traditions in other countries. Here’s hoping you get to visit and learn about all of them.
With love,
Dad
P.S. Here’s what smells like updog.
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.