Revenge sounds sexy as hell. When I think about all the times I’ve been wronged, hurt, or cheated, my first instinct is to even the score. To the driver who cut me off, I want to accelerate into their bumper and push them off the road. To the boss who didn’t defend my work to a client, I want to let someone ruin their best idea. To the friends from college who waited until I fell asleep on their sofa and dangled their nuts by my sleeping face, I want to break into their house twenty years later and return the favor. And in each of these situations, my instinct is completely wrong. Every one of these are unhealthy sentiments, and I’m going to tell you why you should leave revenge to the movies.
Confucius said, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” Good point, Confucius. But also, no shit Confucius was wise. Water is wet and the sky is blue. And while a man digging two graves before he embarks on a journey of revenge would be a great opening for a movie about a flawed character hell-bent on revenge, let’s not cast you in that role.
A lesser known quote about revenge comes from author Martha Wells in her book, Artificial Condition. In this story, a rich and powerful multi-national corporation has stolen the work of and endangered the lives of a small family. This family seeks out the help of a security consultant, who tells them, "Sometimes people do things to you that you can't do anything about. You just have to survive it and go on.”
This is the quote about revenge I prefer. Why? Because it’s not as abstract as digging two graves. And more importantly, sometimes the people or groups who wrong you are bigger and stronger and have more resources at their disposal than you ever will. And in these situations, not only is seeking revenge unwise, getting your revenge can hurt you as much as the person or group you’re hurting. How, for example, can you take revenge on a government that uses eminent domain to seize your land? How do you take revenge on someone who sexually assaulted you or someone you care about? What does revenge look like on a spouse or lover who cheats on you and breaks your heart?
That’s not impossible, you say. You can think of several ways to take revenge on a government, a sexual predator, or an ex. You’ll show them. And maybe you will. There are plenty of lesser wrongs done by people you can actually get back at. Maybe you get your revenge, but at what cost? Your money? Your freedom? Your life? Using my bumper to push another driver off the road could certainly cost me all three. And since I’d bet you like being alive, having money, and being free, here’s a better plan.
When bad things happen to you, find a place between forgiveness and acceptance, and go on with your life.
See, revenge isn’t going to change what already happened. It’s not going to undo the injury you suffered or make it hurt any less. And denying what happened will only leave the wound to fester and rot. Instead, find a way to make peace with it, to accept the past and move on. Learn from it, by all means, and do everything you can to keep it from happening again. But carrying that grudge in your heart will only hurt you. Which is why I also pointed to a spot adjacent to forgiveness, the harder part of moving on.
In my early 20’s, a friend borrowed some money from me, promising to pay it back in a week or two. Months passed and he still hadn’t repaid me, and I needed the cash. He told me he’d send it via Western Union, and that I should go pick it up. I went, but they didn’t have it. (This was back when we mailed checks to pay bills and couldn’t just zap money around the world via our phones.) This happened several times until I gave up on ever being repaid. I also gave up on that friend. And for a long time, I held a grudge.
Years later, another friend and I were working on a short film and the money borrower wanted to help. He apologized and promised this time would be different. We made amends and I asked him to help pick up some supplies early the next day. He never showed. We scrambled and made due without his help, and I picked up my grudge and carried it on for years.
“Fuck that guy,” I’d say. “I never want to see him again.” And then one day, fifteen years later, I realized that he didn’t have any idea I was still pissed. He was somewhere living his life, not giving a shit what I thought. Which is how I found the place between acceptance and forgiveness. The only person I was hurting by staying angry was me. So, I stopped being angry. I realized that I had already survived it and I could just go on. Which is what I did.
Failing to repay borrowed money is a small injury compared to some of the others I’ve mentioned, but the advice holds true. Don’t believe me? What about someone who was wrongfully imprisoned for 27 years? After almost three decades in prison, Nelson Mandela didn’t seek revenge on the people who’d imprisoned him, instead he worked toward reconciliation.
Find a way to accept the past, and put down you anger at the person(s) who wronged you. Learn from it and do your best not to let it happen again, but don’t let that anger drive you to do something that will hurt you more than the original injury ever did.
To quote theologian Frederick Buechner, “Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Do not be afraid.” When terrible things do happen, there is nothing more powerful and amazing than being able to survive, to find peace, and to go on. And this is the strength I wish for you, my son.
I love you,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.