Who cares what other people think?
All of us, pretty much. And when it comes to social norms and maintaining a civilized society, that’s mostly a good thing. When it comes to questions like, “should I put on pants today?” or “should I poop here?” I encourage you to definitely care what other people think.
I also hope you learn when not to care about what people think. In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Mark Manson points out the importance of when and why we give our fucks.
When we’re young, we have tons of energy. Everything is new and exciting. And everything seems to matter so much. Therefore, we give tons of fucks. We give a fuck about everything and everyone—about what people are saying about us, about whether that cute boy/girl called us back or not, about whether our socks match or not or what color our birthday balloon is.
As we get older, we gain experience and begin to notice that most of these things have little lasting impact on our lives. Those people’s opinions we cared about so much before have long been removed from our lives. We’ve found the love we need and so those embarrassing romantic rejections cease to mean much anymore. We realize how little people pay attention to the superficial details about us and we focus on doing things more for ourselves rather than for others.
The book is worth reading, not only for the masterful way Manson uses the many forms of “fuck,” but also for the insight on when and where to give your fucks, and more importantly, when to give no fucks at all. But this isn’t a book report or a summary, so while Manson offers some great guidance, I’m not going to duplicate it here.
Instead, I’m going to focus on when you should and shouldn’t care what other people think, how I learned this, and which people’s opinions I’d advise you to care about.
First, you should definitely care what some people think about some things. But also, (and more importantly), you should definitely not care about what most people think about anything.
This is hard; the first group (whose opinions you should care about) is very small. The second group (whose opinions you should not care about) is very large. If you’re not careful, the opinions you should ignore will drown out the ones you should value.
How do you know the difference?
Let’s work backwards from caring what someone thinks. When you do that, when you value someone’s opinion, you give that person (or group of people) the ability to influence your thoughts, your actions, and your future. That might sound melodramatic, but these little influences and opinions can echo on for years. Don’t take that lightly, because the long-term effect can be very bad or very good for you, depending on the opinion.
For example, if a teacher said you didn’t have the aptitudes and intelligence to be a doctor, that could influence your college choice, your career, and the rest of your life. Flip that and imagine a teacher telling you that if you just work a little harder, you could get into any school in the country. A teacher once told your grandmother (DD) that your Mom would struggle to be a C-student because she didn’t perform in testing (she was 5) for accelerated classes. Thankfully, DD and your Grandfather ignored this teacher. See, your Mom thought this teacher was mean and decided not to answer her questions. She also went on to finish Mizzou summa cum laude. C-student, my ass.
If a football coach told you that you had NFL potential and tools, you might spend your weekends practicing while giving up on other sports and activities. And if that same coach said you were too small to play competitive football, you might never try out. When I decided to walk on to the Wake Forest football team, several of my coaches suggested I reconsider. A week after practice started, I realized they were right. I had no business on that field, and so I ended my football career. Sometimes your doubters have a point.
If a friend says a girl you like is out of your league, you might be afraid to talk to her. If that same friend says you should go for it, you might ask her out. In the second scenario, you might fall in love, where the first might leave you doubting yourself for years.
That’s how significant caring what other people think can be, and why it’s important to pick and choose which people you listen to. So, before you care about someone’s opinion, consider the person having the opinion. Before you ever consider what they’re saying, think about who is saying it.
Do they know what they’re talking about? Do they even know their ass from a hole in the ground? Are they experienced and knowledgable, or are they basing their opinion on that one time they heard something from a guy they met at the gas station? It’s not always immediately obvious.
Also important, how did you find out what they think? If you asked them, that says you already value their opinion, and you might consider it. On the flip side, don’t be overly influenced because someone is outspoken. Being outspoken and opinionated does not make you right; some of the most outspoken and most opinionated people are the most full of shit. Be skeptical, value real expertise and knowledge.
Sidebar: Beware the “knowers.” (Credit to Bruce Eyre for sharing this term with your Mom) There’s a whole group of people out there who seem to know everything about EVERYTHING. You’ll know them when you meet them; they never shut up about all the things they know. What they lack in knowledge, they make up for in certainty. This is a terrible combination and usually leads to copious bullshittery.
After you’ve split the knowers from the people who actually know things, consider your connection and relationship to the person in question. Do you know them, or are they just someone you bumped into on the sidewalk? Do you trust them, and should you? Do they have your best interests at heart? Would they tell you the truth, even if it was hard for you to hear? More importantly, would they tell you the truth, even if it was inconvenient for them to say?
Seek out opinions and advice from people you trust and respect, and value their education and experience. You won’t always agree with what them, but they probably know what they’re talking about, so at least consider what they think.
Your Mom and I will work to stay in this category, and so will your grandparents, aunts and uncles. When you find friends like this, hang onto them; they are rare and valuable. Beyond those people, you have to use some critical thinking to decide which opinions to consider and which ones to discard. Example? Sometimes, someone you don’t know might have an insight you’ve never considered. They could also be full of shit.
You get to decide who to listen to, when, and why, so choose carefully who you let into your head. While one person’s opinion can motivate and encourage your long-term success, some jackass could end up running laps in your dome for years.
Learn the difference and don’t pick up a weight you shouldn’t carry.
I love you,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.