I’ve been to lots of weddings, and I was even in one with your Mom. Which means I’m qualified to give advice about weddings. At least, as qualified as I am to give advice about anything. So, I’m going to share some thoughts about why they matter, why you should go to other people’s weddings, and what to think about when you eventually have your own. Think of this as your guide for how to have fun at a wedding, how not to ruin someone else’s, and how to actually enjoy yours.
At my friend Dan’s wedding he told me, “there’s only two times in your life when everyone you love comes to see you, but you only get to enjoy one of them.” And that’s why it’s worth making the effort to go to weddings. Yes, they can be expensive to attend and are sometimes inconvenient. Still, it’s important to show up for the people you love. And usually, weddings are fun.
Go, have a blast, and celebrate with your friends. That should be easy advice to follow. Most weddings are great. Unfortunately, some weddings aren’t. When you realize you’re at of those weddings, just bite your tongue and have another beer. If it’s a dry wedding, bite harder and have some tea. Or stick a flask in your suit pocket before you go. Someone else’s wedding day isn’t about what you want or what you think. It’s about the couple walking down the aisle, and you’re there to celebrate them and enjoy what they picked out.
Keep that in mind, and don’t hate too hard on someone else’s choices. Don’t like the music? Dance anyway. Don’t like the food? Hit a drive through on the way home. Don’t like the bride? It’s definitely too late to say anything. Go, smile, and have as much fun as you can. Because whatever wedding choices the bride and groom made, they chose stuff they liked, and I promise you it cost way more than you think it did.
Until you get married or pay for a wedding, you’ll never appreciate how much they can cost. Catering and the bar tab are usually priced per attendee, so don’t back out at the last minute or show up with a date when you didn’t get a +1. Both are dick moves. In my 20’s, I backed out of a fraternity brother’s wedding at the last minute, and I’ve always regretted it. I wanted to go, but as the wedding got closer, I realized I couldn’t afford the flight and hotel room, so I had to change my RSVP a couple weeks out. Not only do I regret not being there for his wedding, but I regret costing his family the extra cash on an already expensive day. (Sorry, Tony.) Don’t do that.
As for wedding gifts, get one. Get one off the registry. If, for some reason, you can’t go? Buy a nicer gift (also off the registry.) Trust me, they have enough silver trays already. If you know the couple well enough to be sure they’ll love your off-the-registry gift, then have at it. Otherwise, get them the towels they asked for.
This might seem obvious, but until it’s your turn to get married, a wedding is not about you. When you’re there, don’t make it about you. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have fun, but I am saying you should go out of the way to not cause any headaches for the bride and groom. For example, making out with a bridesmaid is fine. Making out with the bride is not.
Moving from general to specific, some advice for your wedding day: It’s your day, but it’s not only your day. It’s also your partner’s day, and your parent’s day, and your partner’s parent’s day. Lots of people will have opinions about your special day. You don’t have to listen to all of them, but it will be better if you listen to some of them. It’s okay to compromise, and in fifteen years, who you married will matter way more than what color flowers you had.
Odds are, you won’t be able to invite everyone you’d like to. For example, your Mom and I had a small wedding of about 40 people. I’d make that decision ten out of ten times again. It wasn’t easy, as I couldn’t invite all the friends I wanted to. Some were friends who’d even had me in their weddings. I talked to these friends and explained them that since ours would be small, I wouldn’t be inviting them to mine. Every one of them told me I was making a decision I would not regret. They were right. I got to spend time with every person at our wedding, and not just to say, “hello, thanks for the silver tray, see you later.” I got to spend time with my family, with your Mom’s family, and with your Mom. It was a little crazy, but we were able to do all the things we wanted to do on our weekend, and it was one of the best weekends of my life.
That was our wedding, though. You might want different things. Make the choices you want to make for your wedding. Want a dozen attendants on each side? Go for it. Don’t want cake? Too bad. Your Mom loves wedding cake and there will be cake at your wedding. Assert your independence somewhere else. But if you want to get married outside, or in a church, or at a bowling alley, that’s between you and your fiancé. Despite what I said previously about weddings being expensive, spending more money does not always make for a better wedding. At my aforementioned friend Dan’s wedding, his friends and family did all the food and BBQ, and it was fantastic.
Here’s how you have the best wedding: Find someone you love and really want to marry. Ask them to marry you. If they say yes, take care of some logistical details. Like, do some pre-marital counseling. Get a pre-nup if you or she have assets. And then, figure out what you both want for your wedding. Big, small, fancy, or simple, your choices are your choices. Obviously, cool shit isn’t free, so be realistic about what you can afford. Iron out the details, realize that no one will read all the instructions and plans you make, and then go have fun.
One last thing. Be considerate of your guests. They’ve given up their time and spent their money to come celebrate you. Gift bags and fun surprises are cool, but making sure their needs are met is cooler. Having guests with kids in diapers? Make sure there’s a place they can go to change diapers. Got lots of older relatives coming? Make sure they don’t have to stand out in the hot sun. Planning three hours between the wedding and reception? Suggest some place your guests can go hang out. Because yes, it’s your day, but you’re not the only one who matters.
I love you,
Dad
P.S. Have late night snacks. Trust me.
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.