Embracing Uncertainty

Being certain is a comforting place to be. Convinced that something is or will be, you can rest assured that you’re right, and anyone who disagrees with you is not. This level of assuredness can shift opinions into facts, and facts into absolute truths. The problem is that sometimes, no matter how certain you are, you’ll be wrong.

You could be wrong about something in the past, (Napoleon was short), something in the present, (Tom Cruise is tall), or something in the future, (see College Gameday for weekly examples.)

Oof. They all sting. Nobody likes being wrong.

But, it’s okay; it happens to all of us. We make mistakes, we base opinions on incorrect information, and we believe things that aren’t true. The best reaction when you find yourself in this situation is to learn from the error and discover something you didn’t know before. The worst reaction is to double down on the certainty, close your eyes to new information, stick your fingers in your ears, and swear up and down that it’s the other guy who’s wrong.

It’s surprisingly easy to have the worst reaction, because as safe as being certain feels, it closes your mind to other possibilities. How then, should you keep your mind open to new information? I like the way Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors phrased it in their song, Wild World.

“Try a little tenderness, maybe some benefit of the doubt.
Another person's point of view, try to listen not to shout.
Hold your opinions loosely maybe you're not always right.
Show a little mercy, and hold on to love real tight.”

I love the line about opinions and not always being right. Not because I enjoy being wrong, but because it’s something everyone should hear more often, myself included.

The idea that you might be wrong is hard to swallow. It’s also hard to stomach the idea that things might not go the way you think they will. But, the universe is completely indifferent to how certain your opinions are and what you think. The world spins on, no matter how many people think it’s flat.

The first step to holding your opinions loosely is remembering that sometimes, you will be wrong. Not might, but will. If you can find a way to internalize that thought and learn and grow from the times when you are wrong, you’ll be better off. But this, like many of the pieces of advice I’ve written out, won’t be easy.

That’s because uncertainty is somewhere between scary and terrifying, especially in the present and future. Not knowing if a girl you want to ask out likes you back is scary. Not knowing if your wife still loves you is terrifying. Not knowing how a career choice will turn out is scary; not knowing if you’ll survive an illness is terrifying. Uncertain SAT test score? Scary. Uncertain pregnancy test? Terrifying. The higher the stakes, the more frightening uncertainty becomes. How then, do I suggest you go on? In the face of something between fear and terror, how do I expect anyone to function?

Carlo Rovelli, who teaches physics at Aix-Marseille University, wrote the following in a series in The New York Times.

“We never have total certainty, nor do we need it — or want it. Between full ignorance and total certainty there is a vast intermediate space where we conduct our lives.
We grow, and we gather more reliable knowledge, by being genuinely open to the questioning of our beliefs. This is the core teaching of scientific thinking. The most reliable beliefs are those that survive questioning.”

You have to learn to live and function in that vast intermediate space between ignorance and certainty, holding your opinions loosely and showing mercy and love to both yourself and others.

I went back to the Drew Holcomb and The Neighbors song because as much as I love the lyric about opinions, close on the heels of that line comes something that’s even more important. “Show a little mercy, and hold onto love real tight.” Call it mercy, grace, compassion, or any number of other things. What matters is that you feel it for others and yourself.

Because just like some days you’ll going to peel back that warm blanket of certainty and realize that you’re wrong, your friends, your family, and even your Dad will do the same. I encourage a heavy application of mercy and grace in those moments. Whether it’s not shaming someone else for believing something you know isn’t true or not beating yourself up for being wrong, try to realize that we’re all living in that same vast intermediate space between ignorance and certainty.

For me, getting comfortable in that space feels like surfing a wave. On top of a mountain of moving water, surrounded by chaos, you can find a space where time seems to slow down. Sometimes that space only exists for a few seconds, and on other days, it seems to go on forever. You never know how long it will last, or how long you’ll be able to hold onto it. But that’s not what’s important.

The important thing is to look, to learn as much as you can, and then paddle out and ride that wave, to live in the uncertainty that life presents. Because none of us know how anything is going to end, no matter how certain we pretend to be. And that’s okay.

The alternative is to stay on the shore, waiting and wishing for a certain future that never comes, which is no way to live your life. You’ll make mistakes, and you’ll be wrong sometimes, but you’ll be just like the rest of us, doing the best we can. And while much of life remains uncertain, you can be sure that your Mom and I will always love you.

Dad

Sep 23, 2022

Time for everything, time for anything

I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.

Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.

Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.

Sep 9, 2022

On rules: the good, the okay, and the ones that suck

I have no doubt that I will someday regret giving you the advice I’m about to give you, but I’m going to give it to you anyway. That’s because like all the shit I’ve included so far, it’s important, and I want to make sure you know it.

This advice is about rules.

Some rules are good, and should be followed.

Some rules are okay, and can be bent.

Some rules are bad, either for being unjust or for being stupid, and depending on the consequences and the nature of the rule, deserve your ire, to be broken, or at the very least, followed with extreme disdain.

The hard part is figuring out which rules are which.

Jul 15, 2022

Heaven is for real. Or it isn't. And nobody knows which.

Let’s talk about God.

Wait, don’t go.

I know invitations to talk about God have shut down countless conversations and gotten hundreds of thousands of doors slammed in Jehovah only knows how many well-intentioned faces, so before you stop reading, let me tell you what I’m going to tell you.

Of all the advice I’ve given you, this one might be the least instructive. It touches on God, religions, and what I believe.

But.

More important is what I’m not going to tell you.

Jun 16, 2022

A personal account of incredible kindness

Last week, you knocked a top front tooth out, again. You knocked out the top front left in 2020, mid-pandemic. This time is was top front right, but as awful as the experience was, it also gave us the opportunity to meet two incredibly kind people who went out of their way to help us when you (and I) really needed some help.

I’m going to tell you that story and why I hope theirs is the kind of behavior you grow up to emulate; because more than anything else you can be in this world, I hope you grow up to be kind.

Jun 9, 2022

Be Humble

Be humble. Because no matter how much you think you know or how much you actually know, the list of things you don’t know will always be way the hell longer than the list of things you do know. As if that weren’t bad enough, there’s also a list of things you think you know that you’ve got wrong.

Trust me, those things you think you know are just waiting out there in the world to make you look like an asshole as soon as you open your mouth to declare something you’re sure of. And I’m not telling you this to say I know more than you, or that I’ve got it all figured out. In I have no idea what I’m talking about, I was pretty clear that I don’t know everything. What I’m telling you is that you don’t either, and you should act accordingly.

How? Be humble.

Mar 24, 2022

Choose Discomfort

Your Mom and I are making ourselves uncomfortable on purpose, which sounds like a terrible idea. It’s not, though, and I’m going to tell you why it’s good for us and good for you.

Late last summer, a recruiter contacted your Mom about a job. After lots of emails, phone calls, interviews, and soul searching, she decided to take a job as the VP of Sales at Sierra Nevada Brewing. This also meant we’d relocate from Cincinnati to Asheville. Which all sounds great, because who wouldn’t want to work for the brewery that started the craft beer industry and live in the mountains of North Carolina where they got married? And we’d be closer to my family. What could be uncomfortable about that?

You have to consider what we’re leaving behind.

Mar 8, 2022

Sam Vines on boots and money

Let’s talk about money, why the idea that “you get what you pay for” is almost always true, and why not having money can cost you money. To set the stage, I’m going to share the Samuel Vines theory of Economic unfairness. Who is Sam Vines? Sam is a character in Terry Pratchett’s 1993 book Men at Arms.

He says, “The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.

Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.

But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.

This was the Captain Samuel Vimes 'Boots' theory of socioeconomic unfairness.”

Feb 19, 2022

The Sex Talk

This one’s going to be a doozy. And for your grandparents, they might want to look away; we’re going to talk about sex. So strap in, or strap on, whatever floats your little man in the boat.

At some point, we’ll have a you-and-me version of this talk, where you’ll have to listen to me struggle through this stuff while you suffer soul-crushing embarrassment. But, since this blog is about writing down things just in case I don’t get to explain them to you, I’m also going to embarrass you in writing.

We’ll skip the biology lesson, because this isn’t that kind of sex talk. You know, about fallopian tubes and seminal fluid. Although, you should learn what those are before 6th grade. Otherwise, you might end up like your Dad, who at the urging of Scooter Bailey, told Lee Raymer to “suck my Fallopian tubes,” in a cutdown fight on the school bus. Not surprisingly, your Dad lost that cutdown fight.

But, this is not a talk about fallopian tubes. This is a talk about consent, responsibility, emotions, accidents, and consequences. So, without further ado, here we go.

Jan 25, 2022

Don't Text Important Sh*t

When it comes time to talk about important shit, pick the right way to do it. Text messages, email, and written letters have their places and their uses, but when it comes to conversations that really matter (about things like relationships, sex, money, legal contracts, etc.) get to face-to-face, or at the very least, get on the phone. Yes, it’s less convenient, but you’ll be less likely to miss important details, misunderstand, or miscommunicate. You’ll also be 100% less likely to be autocorrected into telling someone to “shave the date,” or ordering “Egg rolls with fuck sauce.”

Don’t think I’m anti-text/anti-email. Especially because it’s possible text messages won’t even be a thing when you’re old enough to read this. We will have certainly developed new ways of communicating short snippets of information by then, who knows, maybe we’ll be sending mini-holograms back and forth. But, unless that technology manages to perfectly replicate every nuance of in-person communication, it will still be imperfect. More importantly, it will be at least one step removed from in-person communication, which by design, reduces the emotional immediacy and impact of that communication. What’s that mean? The further removed you are from a person, the easier it is to say something you wouldn’t say to their face.

Jan 21, 2022

Listen up, Mom has the mic.

When I think about the qualities I want you to emulate and share with the world, I think about kindness, empathy, respect, hope and love. As I reflect more on what is at the root of these qualities and behaviors, the art of listening comes to the center and forefront. I’m not sure I’m qualified to write to you about this as it’s something I struggle with every day. So, please don’t always follow my actions in this regard (although I try to get better with practice each day) but do try to cultivate and practice active listening.

Listen is a verb – it’s active, it requires energy and focus. The Merriam-Webster definition includes three parts:

To pay attention to sound
To hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration
To be alert to catch an expected sound

I think the second part is the most critical. To me this speaks to not just active listening BUT also listening with a willingness to be influenced.

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