Someday, somebody’s going to take a dump your heart, and it’s gonna suck. The first time it happens, you’re not going to know what to do, how to handle it, or if you’ll ever fall in love again. You’ll wonder if love is even real and maybe swear it off forever.
This is me telling you when it does happen, take a deep breath keep your chin up. It’ll get better, you’ll feel better, and yes, it’s worth the pain.
Falling in love is amazing. It’s all consuming, exciting, and completely intoxicating. But going the other way, when you’ve been dumped, or someone’s broken your heart? That feels as bad bad as falling in love felt good. Even more so, because you probably trust this person now, and you can’t understand why they’ve become such a shit.
My first chunk of advice is all practical. Not how to feel, or what to think, rather, what to do. It’s a list of things I learned the hard way. That is, in most cases, I did the opposite of what I’m suggesting and made it worse. Or in a few cases, I stumbled upon these things and was amazed that they made it better.
First, take it easy on the drinking. It’s a depressant, and a little will take the edge off, but a lot can send you into a doom spiral that ends up with you crying on on your ex’s front porch. It’s not going to win them back, and even if it manages to win them back for a few hours, you’ll feel like a schmuck in the morning.
Second, lose your ex’s number. Don’t call, don’t email, don’t text. Don’t “drop by”, don’t FaceTime, don’t do whatever new laser hologram they have when you’re old enough to be in this situation. If you see them out somewhere, smile, wave, and go the other way.
You need space to get over a breakup, and the more space you get, the faster you’ll move on. At first, you’ll be all, “but I don’t want to move on, I just want to get back together with this person I love,” or something along those lines. I’m embarrassed to admit some of the whiny drivel that came out of my mouth the first time I was in this situation, so I won’t. It was lame.
You won’t be the first or the last to feel this way, but you’d be wise to move past those feelings. I speak from first-hand experience; I’ve been dumped, and I’ve wallowed in a pit of misery and self-pity for months. It was not pleasant. We even got back together, and that was even less pleasant.
This is one of those practical actions that will force you in the right emotional direction. Give yourself the space to fill the void this girl* (see hold on to your asterisk) left in your life. As I write this, there are 328 million people in the US, and 7 billion in the world. There are other options. You won’t believe me, and it’s hard to feel that way, but look at it like this: all the things you disliked about her? You can go find someone who doesn’t do that stuff. No more whatever bad habit drove you nuts. Whether she wore patchouli or was mean or couldn’t eat pizza because it gave her explosive butt poops, she wasn’t perfect. You get a chance to go out and find someone else who’s imperfect in other ways.
A related aside: There’s no perfect person for you. No such thing as “the one.” There’s more right and less right and the best you can do is pick someone who’s more right and work at it. More on this in another entry.
Third, get busy. You’ll find yourself with more time than you know what to do with, you’ll be replacing all the time you spent with your ex. You know all those friends you’ve been neglecting? Call ‘em up. Try new things. Pick up a new hobby. Staying busy is the best way to get over a breakup. While you need the time and space to be sad, you don’t have to be miserable while you’re doing it, so go out and find something fun to do.
No, it won’t be fun at first. You might find yourself moping around the neighborhood in your flying car or not enjoying yourself on your hoverboard. Your challenge is to find the balance between wallowing in your misery and ignoring it completely. Admit it exists, reckon with its existence, but then go out and pretend you’re having fun.
That’s right, pretend you’re having fun. Fake it until you make it. Somewhere along the line, you will have that first moment where you forget about your ex and start enjoying yourself. Then, you’ll remember her and you’ll feel guilty. That’s when you ignore that guilt and keep on keeping on. Get back to what you were doing and leave that guilt behind.
Eventually, you’ll have the space to see the whole relationship from a distance and take it (as everything should be) as an experience to learn from when you find someone new to love.
A final word: you might break someone’s heart someday, and if that happens, I encourage you to be kind when you do. If you decide to end a relationship, be sure to give her the space to do the things I’ve suggested for you.
Even if you don’t feel kind, be kind. Imagine yourself in her shoes. Have the hard conversation, have it in person, and be as fair as you can. Be honest, be direct, and be a gentleman. Treat her the way you’d like to be treated when the shoe’s on the other foot. Because one way or the other, it eventually will be.
I love you,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.