F*ck up, just don’t be a f*ckup.

You’re going to fuck up, and plenty. And that’s okay. What will not be okay is letting those fuck ups make you believe you are a fuckup. Take it from me, I’ve fucked up lots.

The thing is, fucking something up is one of the fastest ways to learn. You try, you fail, you do better next time. Experience and failure are great teachers; seek experience without fearing failure. But also, prepare. Learn how to open your parachute before jumping out of a plane. The more you know to begin with, the faster you’ll catch on, and the less you’ll die.

Let’s start with well-intentioned fuckups. Sometimes, a lack of knowledge or experience leads to failure. And these are the ones I’d tell you to embrace. Fall off your bike. Embarrass yourself at a talent show. Start a business and fail. It’ll suck, but you’ll learn. Give yourself the freedom to try and fail.

If you’re so afraid of failure that you never try new things, you’ll never try new things. If you’re okay with never trying new things, I am a fuckup of a father and you should disregard everything else I’ve written here. Go out there, get after it, and fail your way forward. Try, fall, get up, and try again. For more on this kind of grit, read Angela Duckworth’s Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance.

Assuming you’re still with me, let’s talk poorly-intentioned fuckups. Ones where you knew better and did it anyway. These can be single choices or systemic life mistakes. And with these, the difference between fucking up and becoming a fuckup is whether or not you learn from these mistakes.

When it comes to fuckups like these, if you find yourself making the same mistake over and over, you need to get your head out of your ass and figure out what you’re missing. I got a DUI the week after I turned 30. I had one drink too many, was driving a couple friends home from a bar, and was just over the limit to drive. I blew a .09 in a state with a .08 limit. While this sounds like bad luck, I couldn’t have been luckier if I’d blown a leprechaun.

See, it wasn’t an innocent mistake, and it wasn’t the first time I’d done it. It was just the first time I got caught. My head had been planted firmly in my ass. It cost me several thousand dollars in legal fees and fines, I had to spend most of a night in jail, lost my license for a year, and did an assload of community service. But nobody died. No idiots were harmed in the learning of this lesson, (myself included). And as ashamed as I am of that fuckup, I learned from it. That was a mistake I have not and will not make again.

It’s possible to fuckup on a larger scale, possibly altering the course of your life. My freshman year in college was not spent studying. Rather, I spent my time pledging a fraternity, sleeping (both in my bed and in class), and drinking too much Busch Light. The magnitude of my fuckup didn’t really hit home until that summer when my second semester grades landed in the mailbox. I’d aimed for mediocrity and missed. I had a 1.75 GPA for the Spring semester. This was after an underwhelming 2.5 from my first semester, and I got the talking to from your grandparents I well deserved. They also pointed out that their very generous funding of my college education would end after 4 years, whether or not I’d graduated.

Credit where it’s due, that ultimatum helped change my attitude; I got my shit together and graduated in 4 years with honors. Even when you’ve systemically fucked up and made multiple mistakes that have left you well behind, it’s possible to get your shit together and do better. I was lucky enough to have great parents who were there with a boot in the ass when I needed it. And I can promise your mother and I will be right there behind you if you need the same.

Doing better means learning from your mistakes and not letting them define you. And believe me, I could go on and on about all the ways I’ve fucked up along the road to becoming your Dad, but at some point it stops being a lesson and turns into me thinking of myself as a fuckup. Which would be a pretty fucked up way to end this bit of advice.

To recap, try new things, don’t be afraid to fail, and keep trying if you do. When your failures turn into fuckups, figure out what you did wrong and stop doing it.

I love you,

Dad

Sep 23, 2022

Time for everything, time for anything

I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.

Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.

Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.

Sep 9, 2022

On rules: the good, the okay, and the ones that suck

I have no doubt that I will someday regret giving you the advice I’m about to give you, but I’m going to give it to you anyway. That’s because like all the shit I’ve included so far, it’s important, and I want to make sure you know it.

This advice is about rules.

Some rules are good, and should be followed.

Some rules are okay, and can be bent.

Some rules are bad, either for being unjust or for being stupid, and depending on the consequences and the nature of the rule, deserve your ire, to be broken, or at the very least, followed with extreme disdain.

The hard part is figuring out which rules are which.

Jul 15, 2022

Heaven is for real. Or it isn't. And nobody knows which.

Let’s talk about God.

Wait, don’t go.

I know invitations to talk about God have shut down countless conversations and gotten hundreds of thousands of doors slammed in Jehovah only knows how many well-intentioned faces, so before you stop reading, let me tell you what I’m going to tell you.

Of all the advice I’ve given you, this one might be the least instructive. It touches on God, religions, and what I believe.

But.

More important is what I’m not going to tell you.

Jun 16, 2022

A personal account of incredible kindness

Last week, you knocked a top front tooth out, again. You knocked out the top front left in 2020, mid-pandemic. This time is was top front right, but as awful as the experience was, it also gave us the opportunity to meet two incredibly kind people who went out of their way to help us when you (and I) really needed some help.

I’m going to tell you that story and why I hope theirs is the kind of behavior you grow up to emulate; because more than anything else you can be in this world, I hope you grow up to be kind.

Jun 9, 2022

Be Humble

Be humble. Because no matter how much you think you know or how much you actually know, the list of things you don’t know will always be way the hell longer than the list of things you do know. As if that weren’t bad enough, there’s also a list of things you think you know that you’ve got wrong.

Trust me, those things you think you know are just waiting out there in the world to make you look like an asshole as soon as you open your mouth to declare something you’re sure of. And I’m not telling you this to say I know more than you, or that I’ve got it all figured out. In I have no idea what I’m talking about, I was pretty clear that I don’t know everything. What I’m telling you is that you don’t either, and you should act accordingly.

How? Be humble.

Mar 24, 2022

Choose Discomfort

Your Mom and I are making ourselves uncomfortable on purpose, which sounds like a terrible idea. It’s not, though, and I’m going to tell you why it’s good for us and good for you.

Late last summer, a recruiter contacted your Mom about a job. After lots of emails, phone calls, interviews, and soul searching, she decided to take a job as the VP of Sales at Sierra Nevada Brewing. This also meant we’d relocate from Cincinnati to Asheville. Which all sounds great, because who wouldn’t want to work for the brewery that started the craft beer industry and live in the mountains of North Carolina where they got married? And we’d be closer to my family. What could be uncomfortable about that?

You have to consider what we’re leaving behind.

Mar 8, 2022

Sam Vines on boots and money

Let’s talk about money, why the idea that “you get what you pay for” is almost always true, and why not having money can cost you money. To set the stage, I’m going to share the Samuel Vines theory of Economic unfairness. Who is Sam Vines? Sam is a character in Terry Pratchett’s 1993 book Men at Arms.

He says, “The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.

Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.

But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.

This was the Captain Samuel Vimes 'Boots' theory of socioeconomic unfairness.”

Feb 19, 2022

The Sex Talk

This one’s going to be a doozy. And for your grandparents, they might want to look away; we’re going to talk about sex. So strap in, or strap on, whatever floats your little man in the boat.

At some point, we’ll have a you-and-me version of this talk, where you’ll have to listen to me struggle through this stuff while you suffer soul-crushing embarrassment. But, since this blog is about writing down things just in case I don’t get to explain them to you, I’m also going to embarrass you in writing.

We’ll skip the biology lesson, because this isn’t that kind of sex talk. You know, about fallopian tubes and seminal fluid. Although, you should learn what those are before 6th grade. Otherwise, you might end up like your Dad, who at the urging of Scooter Bailey, told Lee Raymer to “suck my Fallopian tubes,” in a cutdown fight on the school bus. Not surprisingly, your Dad lost that cutdown fight.

But, this is not a talk about fallopian tubes. This is a talk about consent, responsibility, emotions, accidents, and consequences. So, without further ado, here we go.

Jan 25, 2022

Don't Text Important Sh*t

When it comes time to talk about important shit, pick the right way to do it. Text messages, email, and written letters have their places and their uses, but when it comes to conversations that really matter (about things like relationships, sex, money, legal contracts, etc.) get to face-to-face, or at the very least, get on the phone. Yes, it’s less convenient, but you’ll be less likely to miss important details, misunderstand, or miscommunicate. You’ll also be 100% less likely to be autocorrected into telling someone to “shave the date,” or ordering “Egg rolls with fuck sauce.”

Don’t think I’m anti-text/anti-email. Especially because it’s possible text messages won’t even be a thing when you’re old enough to read this. We will have certainly developed new ways of communicating short snippets of information by then, who knows, maybe we’ll be sending mini-holograms back and forth. But, unless that technology manages to perfectly replicate every nuance of in-person communication, it will still be imperfect. More importantly, it will be at least one step removed from in-person communication, which by design, reduces the emotional immediacy and impact of that communication. What’s that mean? The further removed you are from a person, the easier it is to say something you wouldn’t say to their face.

Jan 21, 2022

Listen up, Mom has the mic.

When I think about the qualities I want you to emulate and share with the world, I think about kindness, empathy, respect, hope and love. As I reflect more on what is at the root of these qualities and behaviors, the art of listening comes to the center and forefront. I’m not sure I’m qualified to write to you about this as it’s something I struggle with every day. So, please don’t always follow my actions in this regard (although I try to get better with practice each day) but do try to cultivate and practice active listening.

Listen is a verb – it’s active, it requires energy and focus. The Merriam-Webster definition includes three parts:

To pay attention to sound
To hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration
To be alert to catch an expected sound

I think the second part is the most critical. To me this speaks to not just active listening BUT also listening with a willingness to be influenced.

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